Enquiries
by katieupatree
Summary: Welcome to the ask box of Kate Beckett! This is my experiment into writing an interactive story; each chapter consists of a question that has been sent in, followed by an answer written as if by Beckett. Set two months after Always, with Castle and Beckett utterly in love. Mainly Caskett-centric, but all characters appear along the way. Full summary inside.
1. Story Explanation

**Beckett's 30 Day Tumblr Challenge – Questions and Answers**

****This is just a note to explain the concept of this story, as it is somewhat different to most of the fanfics that are around at the moment.

This story isn't really a story at all, but rather a companion piece to a fic I am writing called **Beckett's 30 Day Tumblr Challenge**. The idea of that story is to follow Beckett's answers to a 30 Day Tumblr Challenge that she is completing as a part of her therapy sessions with Dr. Burke.  
There is a list of all 30 questions on my profile if any of you are interested in reading them.

I realised as I was writing the first couple of chapters that one of the things that makes Tumblr such a brilliant website, is the ability to publically respond to the questions that your followers ask you, and that is where this story comes in:  
Welcome to Katherine Beckett's ask box! Each chapter will consist of a question that has been sent to Beckett, followed by her answer (written in the first person, from Beckett's point of view).

The questions are genuine questions that you, my ever lovely readers, have sent in (either by a review of the story, or in a personal message) for Beckett to answer.  
There are no rules regarding what the questions have to be about; they can be in response to the challenge questions answered, or they can simply be questions that you have always wanted to ask. They can be anything from the emotional impact of her Mother's murder, to her favourite ice cream flavour. Basically, nothing is off limits.  
I'm also more than happy to take anonymous questions, as that is an option on Tumblr, and I want it to feel as realistic as a fic converted into an ask box possibly can do.

I hope that you will give my idea a chance. I know that it isn't exactly a traditional story, but I wanted to try something a little different to ease the pain of waiting for September!

So, please send in your questions to Beckett, as they are the fuel for this story.

I hope to hear from you all soon,  
Katie xx


	2. LiseCate

**LiseCate asked: **  
1. Your favourite movie?  
2. Your favourite song?  
3. Where would you like to go on holiday?  
4. Did you ever dream of getting married, and how did you picture it?

**You responded:  
**1. There are a lot of movies that I really love, most of which I would never have watched if it wasn't for a certain man's obsession with space cowboys! These are the films that fill our lazy evenings spent together, but none of them are quite my favourites.

My all time favourite film is Peter Pan; and it is one that filled almost every weekend of my childhood, cuddled up on the sofa between my Mum and Dad, a bowl of salted popcorn sat between us.

2. My favourite song is closely guarded secret of hugely embarrassing proportions ..but, I will let you all in on it anyway. Just remember that this stems from being a teenager in the 90s!

_The Spice Girls – Wannabe_

This was the song that we danced to at every single school disco from the time that I was 15.  
I would literally have given anything in the world to be Sporty Spice for the day! Instead we had to settle for learning the dance routines and dressing up at sleepovers.

Yes, you are all free to laugh now.

3. I would like to go somewhere completely filled with the possibility for adventure; somewhere that has something new to be discovered every day, and a hundred different people to meet along the way.  
I never had the chance to travel when I was young, and it is something that I have always wished I had done. Seeing the world together is definitely something that Castle and I might do in the future. I suppose that we'll just have to wait and see where life takes us!

4. When I was really little, I had a best friend called Jenna, and we would spend hours playing make believe weddings in a tree house that her Dad had built for us. I don't think I quite understood what getting married meant, I just knew that all I wanted was a big white wedding, with lilac flowers and chocolate fudge cake. I was going to be Jenna's maid of honour, and she was going to be mine. We must have been about six when we decided that we were going to get married to two best friends, move into a big house together, and live happily ever after.

It probably won't come as a surprise to you when I say that my dream wedding has changed somewhat from the fantasies of six year old me. A big white wedding is definitely not my idea of fun anymore.  
If, far into the future, Castle and I get married, then I would like to find myself on a beautiful beach, with lilac flowers in my hair and the sand between my toes, as I stand with the man I love, before the people who are most important to us.  
With, of course, a chocolate fudge cake waiting for us after the ceremony, and the Spice Girls playing long into the night.


	3. NS14

**NS14 asked:  
**You seem like a person who was, or is, so used to routine and a set pattern of things happening, that change frightens you until something happens that changes everything. What if this "single moment of impact" happened, but it had cost you the loss of someone close, what would you do?

**You responded:  
**My first instinct is to tell you that I simply wouldn't survive, that I am not strong enough to face the reality of losing someone who I love.  
I know what a loss like that can do to people; what it did do to me when I lost my Mum. I was in college, the future at my fingertips, and then a police officer knocked on our front door and my entire world crumbled in on itself. My Mum was murdered by someone who is yet to be caught, for a reason that is yet to be uncovered; and that is a fact that has been eating away at everything I am for what feels like the entirety of my life. It was, for a very long time, the only thing that mattered to me. All I wanted out of life was to find the people responsible, and to make them feel the overwhelming grief, and pain, and anger that I felt as a result of the life that they stole from me.  
The loss of my Mum has taken what should have been the best years of my life, and it has destroyed them. I was barely hanging onto my own life, utterly consumed by the need for answers as to why anyone would want to murder a woman who was so filled with love and goodness. All that I ever thought about was my Mother's case, and it was killing me.

So, that is why my first thought is to tell you that losing somebody else would be an event too catastrophic for me to ever return from.  
And maybe, not that long ago, it would have been. But now I am determined to fight against the grief that has controlled my entire adult life, and, as I sit here today, I am going to tell you what I truly believe a loss like that would do to me.

I believe that it would make me stronger. Not right away. Not even for months, or years. But, eventually, it would make me so much more.  
It took the love of a beautiful, kind hearted man to show me that the experience of pain and suffering is not a weakness; that they are not emotions that should be hidden deep within our souls, but rather they should be worn with pride.  
We have absolutely no control over what happens in our lives; we like to think that we do, we like to trick ourselves into believing that we alone are responsible for our lives, but we are not. Life is one shaky breathed improvisation after another, and it always has been. What we can control is how we allow our lives to affect us; and simply knowing this means that even the worst, most unbearable things that happen to us, can be turned into something positive.

Losing someone close to me is a prospect too awful to imagine, but it is one that I know I would survive. Because that is what we do. The entire human race. Every single being on this Earth. We are all just trying our damnedest to survive long enough to see the sun rise once again, because when we do, it is so exquisitely beautiful that, even if it is just for a fleeting moment, we find within ourselves the capacity to love the lives that we are somehow still living.


	4. befree09

**befree09 asked:  
**If he is really your boyfriend, why do you keep calling him Castle when you talk about him? That's just weird.

**You responded:  
**I could tell you that it is a habit that I cannot get myself out of; a instant reaction after working together for so long, forged out of using last names at the precinct because that is just how it goes.  
And, yes, that is somewhat true; but deep down, I know that it is far more than just a nickname that has accidentally stuck.

I see that name as a symbol of everything that we have been through together; from the first moment that Richard Castle forced his way into my working life, to the moment that I realised I wanted him to be a part of so much more. It is the good, and the bad, and heartbreaking. It is strength, and stability, and partnership. It is _everything _that he means to me.

Maybe it seems odd to you; to the people looking in on our relationship, but to us, it is simply who we are. We are Castle and Beckett, and I can't see that ever changing.  
It is where our relationship started; the people that we were when we first met. The people who become friends. The people who flirted, sometimes a little too obviously, over paper work and Chinese food. The people who learnt to trust one another, to depend upon on one another. The people who fell hopelessly in love with each other.  
It is simply who we are.

* * *

I am trying not to add too many author's notes to this story (which I find a very difficult thing to do), as I want it to be as close to real questions and answers as I can make it.

But, I just wanted to say thank you for reading this, it really does mean the world to me.  
Along with a special thank you to everyone who has sent in a question to be answered; I hope that my answers don't dissapoint.

Please let me know what you think?  
And keep sending in your questions; they are what make this story.

Katie xx


	5. Anonymous

**Anonymous asked:  
**Do you / do you want to live with Castle? **  
**

**You responded:  
**No, Castle and I don't live together.

We have only been together for two months; it is still a little early for moving in with each other. It is something that we have talked about in passing conversation, but we both know that it is too soon for such a big change in our lives.  
We love each other very much, and living together is something that we are definitely headed towards, but it is equally something that we do not want to rush into prematurely.

We spend a lot of our time together, and I am not ashamed to admit that my spare toothbrush has made its way over to his apartment, but neither one of us is quite ready to relinquish our personal space entirely. A little distance from one another is sometimes a good thing, and that is much easier to find when you have your own home to escape back to.

Who knows, cohabitation might be right around the corner, or it might still be a long way down the road.  
All I know is that we are blissfully happy and utterly in love; and that is really all that matters.

* * *

Keep sending in your questions. (leave a review, or send me a message)  
I really am enjoying writing this story, but I can only do so when I have a question to answer.  
They can be questions on anything at all that you would like, and please feel free to send them in anonymously if you would prefer.

Please let me know what you think of this story if you get a moment to do so?

A huge thank you for reading,  
Katie


	6. LiseCate no'2

**LiseCate asked:  
**In those 2 months, have the boys or Lanie learned about your relationship?  
Does Gates know, and will you tell her if you go back to the 12th Precinct?  
And do you think she'll let Castle stay? **  
**

**You responded:  
** Castle and I decided that it would be best, at least for now, if we kept our relationship as private as is possible to do so when you are an ex-NYPD homicide detective and a world famous mystery novelist.  
Sometimes I feel as if I love Castle so much that I need to shout it from the rooftops and tell the entire world, and I know that he does too. But, honestly, a little sneaking around is exactly the fun that we both so desperately need after the struggle of the past few years.

Despite my best attempts to hide the truth from her for at least a little while, Lanie has known from the very beginning. We went out for lunch a couple of days after Castle and I got together, and she had guessed within five minutes of seeing me. She really does have an almost scary ability to spot a new relationship!  
Even if Lanie hadn't of worked it out for herself, I know that it wouldn't have taken me long to confess. She is my best friend, my family, and the first person who I wanted to tell. Lanie has been through so much with me; so much pain and heartache, and she has always been my unwavering source of comfort and advice. Now she is a part of the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

We have all - the boys, Lanie, Castle and I - been meeting up as often as we can in these past two months. After working together for so long, it was impossible to even contemplate going a week without seeing each other.  
Knowing that we would be spending so much of our time with them, Castle and I talked about telling Ryan and Esposito, but we decided in the end to just let them figure it out for themselves. It is much more fun that way!  
I am pretty sure that they are growing ever more suspicious, but neither has asked us yet.

Captain Gates definitely do not know, and we intend to keep it that was for as long as possible. My future at the NYPD is, ultimately, in her hands; even if I do decide to return to my job as a detective, she has the final say on whether or not she wishes to accept me back in the 12th. Telling her about Castle and I is not something that would work in my favour, and right now, I really do need all the brownie points that I can scramble together.

As for Castle being allowed to stay working as my partner, his fate is also in the hands of Captain Gates. There is no denying that our team has the highest closure rate, and the top scores for effective working, but there is equally no denying that, no matter how good of a job he does, Gates simply does not like Castle.  
It is a decision that only needs to be made if I decide to go back, and as such is something that we are trying not to worry about at the moment.  
Castle is, and always will be, my partner; and I sincerely hope that our Captain can find within herself the kindness to allow him to stay. I don't think that I could face the job if I didn't have him by my side, always there to lend a hand when the horrors of what we see on a daily basis become a little too much to bear.

We both know that we cannot hide our relationship forever, and nor do we want to. Eventually the entire world will know; but until that day comes, we are very much enjoying our almost secret love.

* * *

To be continued..

I promise not to ramble too much, I am just making another little plea to please send in any questions that you have for Beckett :)

Thank you very much for reading,  
& please let me know what you thought?

Until next time,  
Katie


	7. Adorajia

**Adora-jia asked:  
**What was it like when your Mother died; when you were fresh from the tragedy, and how did Castle's books help you through that time?  
When did you start to feel relieved about having Castle as a partner?  
Do you regret the way in which you met Castle, or anything that happened along the way?  
What is your relationship currently like with Alexis?

**You responded:  
**(1)  
It was a time in my life that I don't really know how to explain, an experience that is almost too much to fully comprehend now that I am not living through it.  
I wanted someone to tell me how I was supposed to feel, because the pain and the grief were so utterly overwhelming that I didn't know how to process them; how to exist whilst I felt such terrible things.  
My memories of the weeks that followed aren't really a clear picture, but rather a jumble of things that I know didn't happen in the order that they do inside my head. The important moments are clear, as vivid as if they had happened mere seconds ago, but the days in between clump oddly together, skewing my perspective of how exactly I felt. I didn't do anything for a very long while, just tried to get through each day with as little effort as possible; eat, drink, sleep. I welcomed the nothingness, the numbness, fearing that I wouldn't survive the horrors of what I truly felt.

I found Castle's books by accident, a saviour that somehow found me amidst one of the busiest cities in the entire word.  
I had needed out of the house, the memories that it held suddenly too close by, stifling and heartbreaking and altogether too much. I walked aimlessly, wandering, lost to the soothing chill that hung low in the air, daring myself to stray further and further from home. Not caring where I was, or what time it was, or really about anything at all.  
I ended up in a coffee shop, miles from home, barely enough money for half a cup, freezing cold and completely exhausted. The old woman who ran the shop thought that I had run away from home, and I suppose that I had in a way; she wrapped me up in a jumper, sat me down in a corner by the heater, and fed me up with tea and cake.  
I wanted to talk to her, to explain that my life wasn't supposed to be like this, that I wasn't meant to be all alone and wandering the streets in the middle of the night, but I couldn't even begin to form the words. So instead I sat and watched as she bustled around me, caring for every customer as if they were a part of her family, never for a second leaving a cup empty.  
Once I had recovered a little, I picked up the book that had been left on the table beside me; its spine lovingly cracked and its corners finger stained. It was impossible to not pick it up, to not absorb myself into the world within its pages. And in that book I found so much more than I ever expected to find. I found the hope that eventually, no matter how long it may take, the monsters of this world are punished for their crimes. I found the reassurance that I wasn't alone, that my loss was somehow understood. I found the ability to enjoy something, to laugh and smile and not feel guilty for doing so. I found life.  
I clung to Castle's stories with every ounce of strength that I had left, and I didn't let go until I knew that I was able to face the world again. Stories that, in their own little way, saved my life.

(2)  
I think that I started to feel relieved about having Castle as my partner from the very moment that he started to act as if he were my partner.  
In the beginning everything was exciting to him, he was like a little kid set free in a video game, never quite realising that it was real life. He didn't care enough about the victims, he didn't see the impact that their death had on the world, on the people who loved them; they were nothing more than a thrilling storyline for his next novel. I didn't like his attitude, and I didn't agree with his motivation for shadowing me. Honestly, I wanted him gone, and everyone knew it.  
But, this job that we do, it is so much more complicated than the 9 to 5 lives that most people lead. Eventually, no matter how hardened your heart is, the horrors of the world seep their way into your emotions, and then you begin to really understand what it means to be a detective. It took a while, perhaps longer than I expected, but the realisation of what the work entails hit Castle with more force than he had been prepared for, and in that moment he became my partner.

The work that we do, the evil that we come face-to-face with every day of our lives, the unwavering love that we are witness to, it changes you. Every day it alters you a little more; it makes you more than the person you were the night before.  
Some people can't do it; they simply don't know how, but those who can, those who were made to do this job – to in anyway serve their country, they come out of it stronger than they ever imagined, and with an understanding of human life like no other. Castle is one such person, and I am so grateful that he found his way to the 12th, that he became such a monumental part of our team. That I have the great honour of calling him my partner.

(3)  
I know that to many people it may seem as if Castle and I met in a way that I should want to change if given the chance to do so; that there are much better, possibly healthier ways for a relationship to begin. And perhaps those people are right, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with them.

To say that I do not have any regrets would make a liar out of me, and I promised myself that this challenge and any questions that I received would be written entirely with the truth. So, here they are; the deepest regrets of my heart.  
I regret the time that we spent angry with each other, the pain that we caused each other, the heartache and the anguish that can never be forgotten. Forgiven, yes; but that is not quite the same thing. I regret the cowardice that prevented us from speaking the truth, that hid the love we truly felt. I regret the lost months that we will never get back, and all the happiness that could have been experienced within them. I regret the impact that the turbulence within our relationship had not only on us, but also on the people around us, on the people who we are supposed to love and care for. I regret that we both have so many regrets, that our hearts will always remain a little tarnished; that we felt so much love, and yet carried on hurting each other.  
But I also need you to understand that I am, in every way possible, thankful for these regrets; for the lessons that they have taught us and the people we have become because of them.  
Life is messy, and it is complicated, and it is horrendously painful, but that is what makes it so very beautiful. We all head into our lives knowing what is in store, knowing that they aren't going to be easy, and yet we desperately cling onto them with all that we have. Hoping, and some of us praying, that we will find something, or someone along the way to make that pain bearable.

A great man once told me that there are no victories, there is only the battle; and the best that you can hope for is that you find some place where you can make your stand. Castle is that place, he is my final stand.

(4)  
I have known Alexis almost as long as I have known Castle, and I have watched her grow into the wonderful young woman whom she is today. From the very instant that I met Alexis, I knew her to be a girl of extraordinary character and overwhelming heart, a force to be reckoned with. And it is to that I owe the relationship we have today; the friendship that I know will only strengthen with time.

I have hurt Castle in the past, but in doing so, I also hurt Alexis. I broke the trust that we had, and I let her down in ways that I will never forgive myself for. I am not proud of this fact, but it is something that, no matter how much I long to do so, I cannot change.  
When Castle and I started our relationship, Alexis had every right to be angry and disappointed with me, to be fearful of the pain that I could cause to her entire family. And she was, perhaps still is a little, and I understand that. I know that I still need to earn her trust, that I need to show her how truly sorry I am for my past mistakes, but she is mature enough to realise that the only way I can do that is if she allows me to do so. It will take time, and it won't always be easy, but then nothing worth having ever was.

Alexis is a testament to her Father, a shining example to everyone who is fortunate enough to meet her. I hope to one day call her not only my friend, but also my family. A hope that I will do everything in my power to turn into a reality, and one which I shall never give up on.

* * *

To be continued..

I know that this is rather a longer update than usual, but I wanted to answer each question as fully as possible.  
So, I hope that you don't mind.

Please keep sending in your questions.. you can leave them in a review, or send me a message if you prefer :)

Thank you ever so much for reading,  
Let me know what you thought?

Katie


	8. caskettismagic14

**caskettismagic14 asked:  
**Are you ever going to tell Castle about how his books got you through your mother's murder?

Also how about the fact that you came to his book signing years ago and waited in line for hours to get your book signed by him?

What made you finally come to Castle's door and tell him that you just want him? Was it the once again near death situation, or something else entirely?

How do you think you will be able to keep your new romantic relationship a secret when you go back to the precinct in the building full of cops?

**You responded:  
**(1)  
I want to tell Castle, I want to share that part of my life with him, I want him to know how truly grateful I am for the hope that I found within his books, but I don't know if I should.

I have thought a lot about what telling him would mean; for myself, for Castle, and for us as a couple. It is a big thing to hear, that you were such a monumental part of someone's life before they even really knew you at all, perhaps even too big of a thing. Maybe it would change things between us, change things for the worse; maybe it is a weight to heavy for our relationship to bear?

In the four years that we have worked together there have been many occasions when Castle has saved my life; sometimes literally, a physical act, finding within himself twenty seconds of insane courage and a little blind stupidity in order to rescue me, and many more times through the little things that have come to mean so much to me, the cup of coffee each morning and a hand to hold when I need it most.  
But, these are things that Castle is aware of, conscious decisions that he has made during our time together, something that we have been through together. They are just moments in our life, memories that are really quite simple when you think about it. They don't even come close to being as strange and complex and utterly terrifying as the truths that I have kept hidden to myself for so many years.

I guess that what I am trying to say, is that I don't know if I want to tell him, but also that I don't know why that is.  
Some days I want to, but I convince myself that he is not ready to hear such things, that it would be unfair of me to do so. Some days I think that it is something he would gladly hear, something that would only make him love me more, but that I am not yet ready for him to know.  
It is a question that I ask myself on an almost daily basis, and every answer that I find is different to the last.

All I really know is that I won't tell him until I am certain that it is the right thing to do, until I am no longer scared of what the words will do to us. And maybe that will be tomorrow, and maybe it will be in fifty years, but that is simply how it has to be.

(2)  
As for Castle knowing about the book signing, that is something he discovered within a week of our finally getting together, and I am yet to live it down!

I went to take a shower, and came back to find Castle sitting on my living room floor, surrounded by his own books, pen already scribbling something in the front of one of them. He looked very much as he had that day, all those years ago, as I stood in line with his book held tight between crossed arms, waiting to meet the man whose words I had fallen in love with. He still writes in the same way, holding the book to the side so not to damage the spine, flicking his wrist at the end of his signature, folding the cover back down more gently than was perhaps needed.  
Everything exactly the same as it had been, and yet so beautifully different, it was a sight too lovely to draw my eyes away from.

I watched as he signed each one, laying them down in reverse order as he did so, each book coming a little closer to revealing my secret, to showing him that I wasn't so different to all of the other people in this world who love and admire his work, the 'Castle Fangirls' as he likes to call them.  
I could have stopped him from opening that book, distracted him long enough to add it to the collection of those that he had signed that morning, but honestly, I didn't want to.  
I might not be ready for Castle to know the most intimate truths of how much his books mean to me; how it was, in no small way, his words that got me through the most devastating time of my life, but that doesn't mean I have to keep it entirely to myself. He is the most outstandingly talented writer, brilliant in ways that most can only dream of being, and that is a truth he deserves to know. It might have taken me years to recognise my love for Castle, longer still to admit to that love, but his writing is something that I have loved for almost half my life, and I wanted him to know just how wonderful he is to me, in every single aspect of his life.

I knew the exact moment he had found me out, a smile bigger than I had ever seen taking over his features, smugly teasing me even before he had the chance to say anything. He'd clambered to his feet in seconds, bounding towards me, like a little kid on Christmas morning, enjoying the obvious blush of my cheeks far too much. Not that I minded, he deserves a little time to gloat every now and again, and he really was very sweet about it – after half an hour or so of singing _Katie loves Castle, _whilst skipping around me in a circle. Ridiculously lovable man!

(3)  
I had known for a long time that I was in love with Richard Castle, that he was the only man who could ever possess my heart in its entirety, and that was a fact that I found utterly terrifying. I wasn't ready to discover such things, and I certainly wasn't strong enough to face them. The love that I felt was too much, too overwhelming, and so I did the only thing that I knew how; I pretended that it didn't exist. I cowered behind an impenetrable wall of false truths and hidden emotions, convincing myself that I was doing the right thing, that it was the only way to protect us both.  
I know now, of course, that it was a selfish and cowardly act of self preservation, haphazardly disguised as the greater good. That my choices only served to hurt us both, to shatter our relationship almost beyond repair.

But that night, as I literally clung onto the edge of this world, I saw for the first time what my life had become, the tainted legacy that I was going to leave in my wake. I had spent my entire life hunting the monsters responsible for the worst moments of my life, monster who had complete control over my life, who made me oblivious to the pain and the heartache that I was inflicting on the people whom I was supposed to love and care for. All that I had ever wanted was to make my Mum proud, to show her the greatness that I was capable of, but all that I saw was disappointment. It was then that I made the decision to change, that my life was worth more than my Mother's death, that I owed it to the both of us to follow my heart, to go after the one thing that I knew would make me happy, the one man who I truly loved. My Richard Castle.

I was barely alive, seconds from disappearing from this world, and yet I managed to live more in those moments than I had in the past fifteen years. I saw my life for what it was, and I knew what I wanted it to become. The beautiful truth, illuminated in perfect clarity, every cell of my body crying out for Castle, screaming his name in the vain hope that his love could keep me alive, that somehow he would find a way to save me.  
And he did, in a way that I can't quite explain, Castle did save me that night. Not literally, and not entirely, but he did save me. Knowing that he was still a part of the world, that we were still a possibility, it gave me strength, it helped me to fight, to cling on just that little bit longer.

I think that there are some things in life that we know will have such a gargantuan effect on our lives that we almost need to be forced into them; our hearts know too much suffering to take that leap of faith without a little encouragement from the universe, the reassurance that things can only get better.  
I believe that I survived that night for a reason, that the world was almost offering me up a second chance at life, and all that I had to do was promise to live better; to be better. Castle and I had always been headed towards each other, we were always supposed to end up together; in that magical, unexplainable, fairytale way that star crossed lovers have been doing so since the beginning of time. We just needed a push in the right direction, and there is nothing like coming face-to-face with your own mortality to make you realise what is truly important in life.

(4)  
We know that keeping our relationship a secret is not going to be easy, but we are both prepared to do all that it takes to maintain our partnership. I cannot face the prospect of going in to work without him by my side, without his love to see my safely through the day, and I don't believe that Castle could either. We have come to rely on each other in every sense of the word, and that is not a bond that we will allow to be easily broken.

Lanie already knows about our relationship, and if they haven't figured it out for themselves by that time, we would tell Ryan and Esposito; Castle and I might be partners, but they are our team, and they deserve to know.  
As for everyone else, we intend to put off telling them for as long as possible. I cannot say for sure what our future holds, but of course we won't be able to hide our relationship for ever; things change, life gets a little messy, and the truth always comes out in the end. But, until that time, we will do our very best to act as if we are still no more than partners.

There have been rumours flying around the precinct for years about Castle and I; everyone from Captain Gates to the high school interns have an opinion on what exactly our relationship entails, and most are not afraid to voice their opinions.  
It gets more than a little old after a while, but now I think that it might just work in our favour. They're all so busy concocting their own theories to add to the gossip pool, that no one actually pays any real attention to us, and even if they do, someone else will have a contradicting story to offer up in return. There have been some truly ridiculous stories passed around throughout the years; the idea of us finally being in a real, honest, adult relationship would hardly make a ripple.

If the truth does come out before we are ready, then we will find the strength and support within our partnership to make it through to the other side. We love each other, and that is really all that matters, everything else is simply a bump in the road.

* * *

To be continued..

I apologise for not updating this sooner, life got a little in the way of the writing :)

Thank you ever so much for reading,  
Please let me know what you thought? ..& send in any questions that you would like Beckett to answer.

Until next time,  
Katie


	9. kcuona

**kcuona asked:  
**-Do you yet know why Castle is so drawn by death? Has he really experienced a traumatic event?  
-Do the two of you have a song? If yes, could you tell us more about it?

**You responded:  
**(1)  
Before I tell you this next story, I would just like to reassure you all that Castle knows that I am writing this; that he isn't going to wake up tomorrow morning to discover that his most safely guarded secrets have been revealed to the entire world without him even realising.  
I wouldn't be posting this if he wasn't comfortable with me doing so, but I still ask that you are kind and considerate of his feelings before making comments on what you are about to read. It is not a sordid tale, but it is one that has been kept private for a very long time, and I know all too well how terrifying it can be to reveal the whole, heartbreaking truth in such a public way. You have all been so lovely to me during this challenge, and I hope that you will extend that sentiment to the man whom I love.

Castle once told me, a long time ago now, back when we were navigating our way through a newly found friendship, a story from his past that broke my heart to hear; to know that he had felt such sorrow. It is not quite a story of a traumatic event, at least not in the way that I believe most of you will be expecting, but rather a great and personal sadness that will forever remain etched into his heart.  
I don't know how we found ourselves at the conversation, but working late one night my curiosity overtook, and I finally asked Castle why he wrote mystery novels, what made him choose a life of crime and heartache; why, as your question so beautiful puts it, is he so drawn by death?  
I expected a blasé answer, a shrug of the shoulders and a cheesy quip about a woman in uniform, but what I received was a truth so devastatingly beautiful that it was almost too much to hear. A stark and forthright honesty that, up until that night, I wasn't entirely sure Castle was capable of; but then, I suppose that I had never really given him the chance before.

This is a story that starts before Castle was really Castle at all; but rather Richard Alexander Rodgers, a little boy who never quite understood his place in the world.  
Castle's Mother, Martha, has always been open with him about not knowing who his Father is, and from the time that he understood what that meant, Castle was accepting of that fact. Martha was, and still is, a wonderful Mum; more than a little eccentric and filled with more dramatic flair than an LA film set, but wonderful all the same. But, to a young Castle, not knowing who his Father was had huge impact on his life, and one which he didn't, even as a little boy, want to burden his Mum with. So, armed with an imagination greater than any I have ever known, he created himself a story to answer all those unanswerable questions; he created a man to look up to and admire, a man who wasn't around because he had been tasked with saving the world, not because he didn't care. Every big occasion in Castle's life; celebrations and parties, Christmases and birthdays, the broken arms and the runny noses, they all had a story attached; a quest to explain away the absence, a mystery that had to be solved.  
As Castle grew up, the stories grew with him; each one more complex than the last, more enthralling and filled with danger. And their format was altered too, no longer were they tales imagined late at night, but instead real stories, physical pen and paper copies of the deepest secrets of Castle's heart.

It was one of these stories that caught the attention of the first teacher to ever believe in his talent for writing; half of a story scribbled in the back of an exercise book whilst he should have been listening to a presentation on Shakespeare, the story of a fictional man who was every bit as real to Castle as the teacher stood before him, whose life he had always craved to be a part of. A character who, despite being no more real than Batman and Robin, had somehow found a way to raise Castle to become the kind hearted and beautiful man who I know him to be today. An ethereal dream who created one of the finest mystery writers to ever live, and all because of the sorrow of a little boy who needed a good man in his life.

I know that not having a Father is not a tragedy, not perhaps the traumatic event that people would expect to encourage a fascination with death, but that doesn't make what Castle felt any less important, any less of a monumental thing to experience as such an innocent little boy.  
No one wants to think about those who they love suffering, to know that they have a past filled with pain and loneliness, but in a way I feel as if hearing that story strengthened the relationship that Castle and I had at the time; moved us a little closer to where we are today. Both of us have a past that we wish to be different, a truth about ourselves that we long to change but know that we cannot, and through that we can offer a little comfort and support to one another. We know what it feels like to hurt, to cry over a loss that we can't even begin to explain, and we know how to help each other through the times when it becomes too much to bear.

(2)  
Our song is _One Day Like This_, by Elbow.  
I know that it might not immediately seem like an obvious choice, but there is a story to explain how it became ours.  
A story that took place the morning after I turned up at Castle's door, shocked to still be alive and numb with cold, ready to confess every ounce of the love that I felt for him.

I had woken up early; too early for it to even be considered morning, the sun not quite up and the city still sleeping below us, as if we had fallen into a world all of our own. I wanted to stay awake, to flood myself with the wonder of the morning, to feel the steady beat of Castle's heart against my own, to watch the dreams flicker below his eyes; but, no matter how desperately I tried to cling to the waking world, I was back to sleep within seconds. Safe and warm and cuddled so close to Castle that my breath melded in with his own.

When I woke up for the second time it was already past twelve, the space beside me warm from where Castle had been sleeping, the sounds of him flittering about the kitchen gently filling the room, as if they were calling out for me. I walked through to find Castle softly singing to himself, not even along to the radio, just singing to himself as he made pancakes and waited for the coffee to brew. I half wanted to stay in that moment forever, to just spend my entire life listening to Castle as he sung; so happy and carefree, his voice tingling across my skin, making me fall ever more in love if that were even possible.  
I watched until he caught me, the slightest blush creeping along his features as he turned to find me listening, smiling brightly as he walked towards me. He kissed me softly, whispering good morning against my lips, almost as if he had been doing so for his entire life, as if it wasn't the first morning that we had ever truly spent together.

It wasn't until later that afternoon that I thought to ask Castle about the song; it had sounded familiar, made up of words that I almost recognised, but just wasn't quite able to place.  
He didn't answer straight away; instead he kissed me on the cheek and walked over to his record player, smiling over at me as he laid the needle in place. As the record started to play, he looked at me with an expression I had never seen before, as if love itself was a visible force, and he told me to listen carefully to the words because they had been written for us. That it was _our song. _As simple as that, as if I had asked why the sky is blue.  
But as I listened, I knew that he was right; that it really was our song.

So, I will leave you with the words that explain the beating of my heart in a way far more beautiful than any that I am capable of. A song that somehow understood our love before we ourselves were even aware of it.

_Drinking in the morning sun  
Blinking in the morning sun  
Shaking off the heavy one  
Heavy like a loaded gun  
What made me behave that way?  
Using words I never say  
I can only think it must be love  
Oh anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day_

_Someone tell me how I feel  
It's silly wrong but vivid right  
Kiss me like a final meal  
Kiss me like we die tonight_

_'Cause holy cow, I love your eyes  
And only now I see the light  
Yeah lying with me half awake  
Oh anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day_

_When my face is chamois creased  
If you think I wink I did  
Laugh politely at repeats  
Kiss me when my lips are thin_

_'Cause holy cow, I love your eyes  
And only now I see you like  
Lying with you half awake  
Stumbling over what to say  
Well anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day_

_So throw those curtains wide  
One day like this a year would see me right_

* * *

__To be continued..

I apologise for being a little behind with this story. I had intended on posting a couple of chapters last night, but I ended up watching the Olympic closing ceremony until long after midnight. Which was, in my very biased opinion, absolutely wonderful!  
I still have four questions to be answered, and I will do my very best to have them uploaded today / tomorrow.

I also wanted to explain my answers to these questions, as they might not be entirely what you were expecting..

(1) I know that there are quite a few people who think that Castle witnessed/experienced something terrible when he was younger, and that is why he writes mystery novels, but I've never really liked that theory (no offence intended). So, this is my interpretation of the reason behind his career choice.

(2) I thought that this question would come up eventually, so I have been keeping a list of songs that make me think of Castle and Beckett.  
I didn't want to use a song that has been featured in Castle - I think that they are all wonderful songs, but they already have a meaning behind them, and I wanted to find my own.  
I could have picked so many songs, but _One Day Like This _is just so beautiful that I couldn't resist using it. To me the lyrics are about a love so pure that to feel it for a single day would be enough to last a lifetime. A love that is strong, and powerful, and everlasting. A love like that between Castle and Beckett.

I hope that you like my choices; that the answers do not seem too strange?  
Please let me know what you thought ...good or bad, any feedback at all is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	10. sunday85

**sunday85 asked:  
**1. Hypothetically, if you and Castle were to get married, would you take his last name?  
2. Do you and Castle have "your song"?  
3. Is he a good lover? xD  
4. Do you want to have kids?

**You responded:  
**(1)  
Yes, I would definitely take Castle's name.

I know that a lot of people now choose to keep their own names, or to hyphenate both, but I have always liked the tradition of taking your husband's name. If you love somebody so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, then I think it is only natural to want to do so in name as well. To show that you have, against all the odds, found the one person in this entire world who perfectly fills the empty spaces of your heart. I think that it is perhaps the most beautiful tradition of marriage.

Marriage is still a long way down the road for Castle and I, but when we do find ourselves at that point in our lives, I can promise you all that I shall wear the name of Katherine Castle with love and pride.

(2)  
Our song is _One Day Like This_, by Elbow.

I was asked this yesterday by **kcuona**, so I won't go over the entire story again, but please take a look at the question before this one if you would like to know the reason for it being ours.

(3)  
When you love someone as much as Castle and I love each other, when something in your heart, or mind, or a beautiful jumble of the both is telling you that this is the person who you are supposed to love, that they are the missing pieces of your soul, then every second that you spend with that person is wonderful in ways that you never even imagined to be possible.

There is never a question of good or bad, because when Castle and I make love it is more than just a physical act, more than anything that I have the words to explain.  
Love makes everything magical; almost as if true love isn't really an emotion at all, but rather a force of life and light and ethereal wonders. I could spend the rest of my days entwined in Castle's arms and it still wouldn't feel like enough, I would still crave for more.

That is what love does to you, turns your world upside down in the most perfect of ways.

(4)  
I have always wanted to have children, but for a very long time it was something that I believed would never happen, and I had learnt to accept that.  
My life wasn't one in which a baby should be brought into, and I knew that. I was a mess, obsessed with the monsters of my past, unable to even comprehend what it was to feel love. I was married to my job, it never left me, it was all that I thought about. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a child.  
But now everything is different, I am different, and that gives me hope for a future that I once too scared to even dream of.

I have always admired Castle for being a truly wonderful Farther, for how dedicated he has been to raising Alexis in the best possible way.  
I think that some people choose to be parents, that they steadily grow into the idea as they get older, and they do a brilliant job of it when the time comes. But some people are supposed to be parents, even if the idea is utterly terrifying and they have never so much as held a baby before, they are somehow made perfectly for the role; Castle is one such person. I really am in awe of him as a Father, and of the beautiful young woman that his little girl has become thanks to the love and the happiness that he has offered to her.

I honestly believe that Castle and I will have a baby together, and I cannot wait to share in the great honour of starting a family with a man whom I love with all my heart.  
It isn't yet something that we have ever talked about, but I know that Castle has always wanted to have more children, and my own desire to do so grows a little more each day.  
I just hope that I can be as brilliant a parent as Castle is, and that together we will raise our baby to be as wonderful as Alexis.

* * *

To be continued..

I apologise for my answer to question 3 ..I am still a baby when it comes to that, and I don't believe that it is something you can really write about without having experienced it, so that was the best that I could do. Sorry.

Please let me know what you thought?  
& keep sending in any questions that you have (via review or private message - either way is fine).

I have the entire afternoon/evening to myself, so I am hoping to have all of the questions that I have waiting to be answered finished and uploaded today :)

Thank you ever so much for reading,  
Katie


	11. mafePOP

**mafePOP asked:  
**Even with all the problems do you like Captain Gates and the way she manages the 12th?**  
**If you had a kid, what name would you give him?

**You responded:  
**(1)  
I have great respect for Captain Gates, and I know that any decisions she makes are ultimately for the greater good of the 12th. I might not always agree with her choices, and I certainly don't always like them, but I am able to understand the place from which they come.  
Gates does a job far more difficult than any of us can imagine, and one worthy of our gratitude. Being in charge isn't about doing what's popular; it's about doing what's right.

We all know that we were allowed to get away with far too much before Gates took over the precinct; that however good our team was, it didn't make up for the free rein that we were given.  
A part of me will always long for that freedom, but I am also glad of the tight ship that Gates runs. Being a detective is always going to be dangerous, but it is even more so if you are allowed to act with reckless abandon; good people get hurt, good people lose their lives, and there is no excuse for that. Gates does all that she can to keep us safe, and no one can argue with that motive.

Everyone at the 12th loved Captain Roy Montgomery, and he will forever remain in our hearts; we keep close our memories of a brave and courageous man whose loss is felt every day.  
But now we have to pledge our alliance to Captain Gates, and I do so knowing that she is the best person for the job.

(2)  
I think that the name you give your baby is a decision that should be made together after the baby is born. I don't know how people can decide upon a name before they have even really met their baby, but maybe it is something that you can only understand once you have experienced it.  
I suppose that I just like the idea of all being able to choose it together, of holding your beautiful little baby for the first time and finding a name that fits them perfectly.

That's not to say that I haven't thought about it; that I don't have floating around in my head a secret list of my favourite names, of names that I would like to one day give to our baby.  
I think that everyone does, it is almost impossible not to.

So, here is my list (or at least a small part of it), it changes every now and again, but this is how it stands today:

For a girl – Ada, Elizabeth, Violet  
For a boy – Oscar, Thomas, Alexander

* * *

To be continued..

Please let me know what you thought?  
& send in any questions that you would like to be answered by Beckett.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie

Just a little plug for a new story that I am writing..  
The fic is called **Mouthing the Words**, and can be found on my profile page if you don't fancy searching for it.  
It is set about a year and a half after Always, with Castle and Beckett of course still together - yes, there are fluffy times ahead!

Please take a look if you get a chance to do so, I would love to know what you think of it so far :)


	12. rachelcleverly

**rachelcleverly asked:  
**How did Alexis and Martha find out about you and Castle?  
How do you feel about the 'break up' of Esposito and Ryan?  
Is Lanie happy about your relationship with Castle?  
Where do you see yourself in 20 years from now?  
How do you feel now that you are finally with the man you love**?**

**You responded:  
**(1)  
Castle and I decided that after all we had put them through over the years, that it was only fair for Martha and Alexis to hear about it from the two of us; and as we certainly didn't want to upset them further by having the story leaked through the mindless gossip of the tabloids, we did so over a home cooked dinner at Castle's two days after we got together.  
We both know that throughout the past four years we have made decisions that have hurt not only each other, but Castle's family as well, and neither of us was willing to add the start of our relationship to that list.

In all honesty, I had prepared myself for the worst possible outcome; to be told that it was too late, that I had caused them too much pain, that I wasn't deserving of such a great man's love, but I couldn't have been more wrong in my fears.  
Martha and Alexis have welcomed our relationship with nothing but grace and goodwill, and I am so grateful for the kindness that they have shown me. I know, of course, that I have a lot to make up for; that I need to earn back their trust and friendship, and I am truly thankful to Martha and Alexis for allowing me to do so.  
I don't just want to be a part of Castle's life; I want to be a part of his family, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

(2)  
I feel terrible that I allowed my own selfish desire for revenge to not only put the people whom I care about in danger, but that the poison of the case seeped into their decisions and caused such a huge rift in their relationship.  
I owe my life to both Ryan and Esposito, and I am so very grateful for all that they have done to help me whilst I battled with the demons of my Mother's case, but I will always regret that they were put into those situations because of me. It wasn't their fight, it was mine; and the support that they gave me is a testament to the wonderful men that they are.

True friendship is a force that I believe to be indestructible, especially those that are formed through a job like ours, and I know that Ryan and Esposito will find a way to move past the tension that currently lies between them. Neither one of them has ever been willing to give up on the people whom they love, and they aren't about to start now.  
It will take time, it will take patience, and it will take a lot of understanding from the both of them, but Ryan and Esposito's partnership isn't over, and nor is their friendship.

(3)  
In a word, yes!

Lanie has, in the way that only best friends are allowed, been pestering me to admit to my love for Castle from almost the very second that he walked into the precinct.  
Even in those first few weeks when I could hardly stand to be around Castle for more than an hour, she was convinced that my dislike of him stemmed more from sexual tension then actual annoyances. And later, when we became friends, when we truly became partners, Lanie saw that as a sign of things to come, a hint in the right direction.  
Every step of the way, Lanie has been there; cheering us on and determined to prove that we truly were made for each other all along.

It means so much to us both to know that Lanie has always been on our side, that she has never wavered in her support of our relationship. And now, we cannot wait for her to share within the happiness and the love that Castle and I have found with each other, to be there for the best of times that are yet to come.

(4)  
Twenty years is almost too scary to think of; all the possibilities, all that could happen not only to me, but to the world as a whole. But, sometimes scary is exactly what we need; it keeps us dreaming, it keeps us filled with hopes for a future that still seems so incredibly far away.

Castle and I will have been married for a very long time, one of those couples who have been together for so long that they start to look a little like each other, who love each other more than anyone can comprehend; who look into each other's eyes, kiss each other good morning, and feel like newlyweds all over again.  
He will still bring me a cup of coffee every morning, and I will still be trying to keep him under control with the occasional pinch on the ear. We'll be happy, and we'll be loved, and we will be living the life that we have both always dreamed of.

Alexis will be all grown up; top of the career ladder, loving husband, perhaps even a beautiful little baby of her own. The world is truly at her fingertips, and I know that she will accomplish everything that she has ever dreamed of, and more.  
Her life will be her own, but she and Castle will always have a special bond, and they will hardly make it a day without at least speaking over the phone. And, of course, the laser tag battle will still be going strong!

Our own children will be quickly following in Alexis' footsteps, finishing high school and leaving for college. Castle and I will be lost without them, but we'll know that it was always inevitable, that you have to let your children go out into the big wide world and discover all of its wonders for themselves.

The 12th won't quite be the 12th anymore; through the years we will steadily move on to different jobs, we'll be offered promotions that are too good to refuse, or maybe even early retirement.  
But, whatever happens, I hope that we always remain friends. That even in 50 years time we'll all still be together, sat out on the front porch playing poker for custard creams and reminiscing on the good old days!

You never know what life has in store for you until you get there, and I know that my day dreams might always remain just that; but that is how I would like our lives to turn out, and that is what I am going to strive for.

(5)  
I am, for perhaps the first time in my adult life, truly happy. The entire world is bright and shiny with the pure wonder of being utterly in love, and I feel as if nothing could ever take this feeling away. That no matter what happens, and no matter how terrible things become, Castle and I will make it through to the other side. Because together, we are truly capable of anything.

I used to fear love; its strength and the power that it holds over us. I saw love as something terrible, something destructive, something terrifying. I looked only at the broken hearts and the tear stained faces, and I let those be my warning to stay away. I didn't allow myself to feel love, not really, not in the way that you should. I wasn't ready to face the love that I felt for Castle, I wasn't ready to lose control; so I blocked it out, I ran away, and I told myself that it was for the best, that I was protecting us both.  
But now I see how wrong I was, how foolish and cowardly my heart used to be. Love isn't our enemy, it's our saviour. It is what makes the broken hearts and the tear stained faces bearable, it keeps you going even when every cell in your body is screaming out at you to stop, to give up.  
Love is, in its most pure of forms, the very essence of life.

* * *

To be continued..

I apologise for not updating this sooner - I had intended to have this written yesterday, but was too nervous about my AS results to sit still long enough to do so. (I got an A in English Lit and a B in Biology & General Studies ..I have to retake a module in both Maths and Chem, but I did well enough to get into year 13. Yay!)  
But, moving back to the story, I hope to have any questions that I am yet to answer finished and uploaded this evening :)

Please let me know what you thought?  
& send in any questions that you have for Beckett (by review or message, either way is fine).

Thank you very much for reading,  
Katie


	13. Guppy

**Guppy asked:  
**What can you tell us about back when you first met and teamed up with Esposito and Ryan?  
Have you learned anything further about how things were at the precinct, esp. between Castle and the boys, while you were gone for 3 months after your shooting?

**You responded:  
**(1)  
At the time I was so focused on solving my Mother's case, on finally bringing those responsible to justice, that I didn't want to be a part of a team. I didn't want anyone to be able to get close enough to interfere, to stop me from doing what I had always set out to do. I had worked so hard to become a detective, to prove that I was good enough to be a true member of the 12th, and I wasn't prepared to let anyone stand in my way.

Ryan and Esposito were, when we were initially put together, nothing more than an inconvenience that I wanted out of my way as soon as possible. It is almost too horrible of a thing to admit to now, but I was a different person back then. I was shattered into a million pieces and clinging desperately to the case like it was the oxygen that makes up the air that we breathe.  
I wasn't really supposed to be working my Mother's case, not unless new evidence was discovered during the course of a separate investigation, but Captain Montgomery knew better than to tell me otherwise; as long as I could do my job, then it was easy to turn a blind eye to rest. I was terrified that Ryan and Esposito would ruin that; that they would find a way to make me stop, that they would take away the only thing that I had ever wanted. It didn't matter that from the very beginning they both went out of their way to look after me, that all they ever wanted to do was help, I saw them only as a risk that I wasn't willing to take.

But then one night, probably a couple of months after our team had been put together, they found a way to slip through my defences and offer the help that they had been willing to give all along.  
I had hidden myself away in the precinct to go over my Mother's case files; by that point I had most of them stored away as copies at home, but I always found it easier to concentrate at the 12th, as if just being there made me a better detective. It was late, closer to midnight than anyone should be working after a ten hour shift, I wanted to go home, needed to, but I couldn't. I just had to keep working, keep checking for any details that I had missed, keep searching. Ryan and Esposito walked into the precinct that night, and they saved me.  
I was so wrapped up in whatever file I was reading that I didn't even know they were there until a box of Chinese food was placed in front of my nose. There they were, the two people who I had begun to fear the most, stood before me with their arms laden with food and a look that said they weren't going to leave until I let them help me. And I did, I finally let them in. I ate the first meal that had touched my lips in longer than I could remember and I relayed every heartbreaking detail of the case to them.  
I don't know why I chose that night, why I didn't just send them away and shut them out like I had been doing every day before, but I am so very glad that I didn't. Ryan and Esposito somehow found a way to bring me back to life, to drag me a little way out of the grief that had consumed my life for such a very long time. Maybe we didn't find that one clue I was searching for, and perhaps we never will, but through them I gained so much more than the answers to my past. They taught me how to trust, how to love, how to live. I found within them something that I hadn't even realised I was searching for; I found my family.

(2)  
Honestly, I don't know very much about that time at all. Only fragments of stories that have somehow found their way to me, vague tales of a world that I wasn't able to be a part of.

Ryan and Esposito did what they were supposed to; they went to work, they followed the rules, they proved themselves to be worthy of their detectives' badge. Things were changing at the 12th, and they were stuck between old loyalties and new. It wasn't an easy time for anyone, but Ryan and Esposito made the best of what they had been given, and they made it work.  
I should have been there for them, I should have been a better friend, but I didn't know how. I was in a place so dark and twisted that I wasn't sure I would even survive; all that I could think of was finding the strength to save myself. I had been shattered, broken into more pieces than I was made up of, and I needed time to heal. They knew that; they understood that I could only just cope with day after day of therapy and rehabilitation, let alone hearing any news from the job that had put me there. They let me be, they let me heal, and they were there for me when I was finally ready to return to the real world.

Castle stayed away from the precinct for a long time, scared of what he would find once he returned. A place that had once stood for strength and stability, for friendship, for fun, it didn't mean any of those things anymore. All of its memories replaced by one devastating moment of fear and terror; of being pressed to the damp grass of the cemetery, holding me in his arms, telling me that he loved me, begging me to stay with him, to fight, to live, and then watching as I faded away from the world. Castle couldn't face the precinct, every inch of it haunted by ghosts that only served to remind him of my absence, of how close he came to losing me.  
Instead he chose to throw himself into work, to write until his eyes were so heavy that they felt as if they would never open again, too tired to dream of the day that he will never forget. Some people thought that he was being selfish, that he was bored with the 12th now that 'Nikki Heat' was gone, but that wasn't true. He wanted to be there, to be a part of the precinct that he has grown to love; he just couldn't bear the weight of walking through its doors. Castle's heart broke with the bullet that tore through mine, and he needed to heal just as much as I did.

We were a team on the edge of falling apart, disintegrating into nothingness, but we were a family whose love was strong and fearless and never to be broken. We made it through, we made it out of the darkness, and we became better than we ever were before.

* * *

To be continued..

I have finally caught up with answering all of the questions that I had saved up ..thank you very much to those who sent them in, and I apologise for how long it has taken me to answer some of them.

Now that they are all uploaded, please keep sending in your questions for Beckett! - I am rather stuck without any :)

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	14. AnastasiaFFBF

**Anastasia-FFBF asked:  
**Your favourite ice cream flavour?**  
**  
**You responded:  
**My absolute, without a doubt, no questions asked favourite flavour ice cream is a white vanilla Mr. Whippy cone, with raspberry sauce and a chocolate flake. I know that it isn't really a flavour as such, but there are very few things in this entire world better than a Mr. Whippy!

They taste like long summer days spent at the beach when I was a little girl, the sun melting them almost as quickly as we could eat them. My Mum would never buy on for herself, but rather steal half of my Dad's and sweetly kiss away the pout that followed; not that he minded, she could have eaten it all as long as he received a kiss in return. We always used to wait until just before we left for home to buy them, one last treat to see us through until the next summer.  
The best of memories, from the best of days.

That being said, Castle does make chocolate chip and pistachio ice cream sundaes that very nearly rival my love of a Mr. Whippy, but nothing quite beats them.

* * *

To be continued..

I am presuming that Mr. Whippy's are sold everywhere? ..if not, have a Google, and get yourself one as soon as possible! :')

Please send in any questions that you have for Beckett.  
I love writing this story so much, but can only do so when I have questions to answer - send them in a review, or a personal message, either way is fine.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	15. I Heart Caskett

**I Heart Caskett asked:**  
What it is like to date someone famous?  
Has it made it more difficult?  
Have there been any newspaper reports on your relationship? **  
**  
**You responded:  
**Sometimes I forget that Castle is famous; that perhaps as you read this you already know the Richard Castle who has had his life splashed across the tabloids, and who cannot keep himself away from twitter for longer than thirty seconds. It's a little scary actually, to think just how much you all know about us; it is perhaps safer to forget.

As far as Castle's fame affecting our relationship, I can honestly say that we haven't come up against any difficulties so far.  
Castle is famous for his words; for the novels that he so beautifully writes and the characters whom inhabit his imaginary world, and I think that that makes it easier for us to exist away from the public eye. It is the fiction that people love so much, the ordinary life of the man behind the words isn't quite as interesting to them. And we are both very grateful of that.  
Of course, he is recognised when we our out together, just not to the extent that you might expect. People don't immediately recognise him as Richard Castle in the way that actors, or pop stars might be; he isn't swarmed with fans from the moment we step out onto the street. Castle's fans do absolutely adore him, but they are -in the most part- very respectful of his privacy; and those who aren't, are so few and far between that we hardly notice them.

The press; well, the tabloids and the gossip columnists, have been convinced that Castle and I have been in a relationship from the second that we set eyes upon each other. They cannot seem to fathom that Jameson Rook and Nikki Heat are works of fiction who lead lives VERY loosely resembling our own, but rather they seem to believe that we to mirror every step that they take. After four years it is all getting a little old, and I don't think that anyone we know pays a second of attention to the rumours that they like to roll out when magazine sales are looking a little dry – apparently we are good sellers!  
But Castle and I aren't foolish; we know that we have to be a little cautious of ourselves in public until we decide to tell everyone about our relationship, but that is a small price to pay in order to keep our private lives to ourselves for the time being. Neither of us needs flashy displays of public affection and fancy dates, we are both more than happy to snuggle up together on the settee, with a bowl of popcorn and a movie marathon for two.

* * *

To be continued..

My apologies for taking a while to update this, life has gotten rather in the way of fanfiction recently - but I am back to regular updates from tomorrow.

Please continue to send in your questions for Beckett? I don't have anymore waiting to be answered after this one.

Thank you for reading,  
I hope to be back soon,  
Katie


	16. LiseCate no'3

**LiseCate asked:**  
What do you think would have happened had you not met Castle, or if you never quite saw each other as more than friends?**  
**  
**You responded:  
**I know that some of you might take my answer for dramatics, but I honestly believe that I wouldn't be here to tell you my story if I had never of met Castle. That he is, in every sense of the word, the reason that I am still alive today.

During the four years that we have worked together, Castle has literally saved my life more times than most of you could imagine, and often in ways that feel more fitting for a film set than real life. We have been through so much together, and we have survived to see ourselves through to another day, and that is in no small part because of wonderful way in which Castle sees the world; always looking for the unusual, the inspired, the tiny spark of magic that manages to save us in the end.

But, when I say that Castle is the reason that I am still alive, I don't just mean the literal things - the burning buildings and the escaped tigers. He has saved my from so much more than I ever believed possible; he has saved me from myself.  
I used to believe that my sole purpose in life was to solve my Mother's case; that it was the only reason for my being, that nothing else was of any importance, and I am under no allusion that without Castle I would still be living my life entirely for the ghosts of my past. From the very first day that he walked into the precinct – all self assured arrogance and playboy smiles, Richard Castle has been slowly mending the shattered pieces of my heart, and teaching me how to feel something better than grief, and anger, and desperation.  
Through friendship and through love Castle has shown me what is truly important in life; not only the truths that I were too scared to see, but also the light at the end of the tunnel. Castle is my saviour, my hope, and my dreams.

It seems almost impossible to imagine that Castle and I could ever be something less than what we are today; that we could still be teetering on the edge of friendship, neither one ever having the chance to experience the wonder of lying tight in each other's arms.  
We have been together for a little over ten weeks, and already it is a relationship that feels so familiar that sometimes I forget we haven't always lived this way. I know that this all probably sounds a little silly, but love makes a fool of our hearts in the most beautiful of ways.

We would have survived a lifetime of friendship, but life should be about more than mere survival. Our hearts would have been tainted with pain and regret, and our minds too cowardly to feel anything at all.  
Perhaps we could have lasted forever, content that we at least had something close to what we truly desired, but I believe that in reality it would have destroyed us in the end. Living so near to your dreams, and yet never quite reaching them; that is enough to drive even the kindest of hearts to destruction. Our friendship would have crumbled under the stain of hidden feelings and false truths, and then we would have been back to the nothingness that our lives were before we became Castle and Beckett.

The truth is that it hurts to even think of my life without Castle, and so it is something that I try to do as little as possible.  
We have somehow found a way to save each other from a world that hasn't always been welcoming, and we have made a life for ourselves away from the traumas of our past histories. Castle and I have finally found the courage to not only love each other as partners, or as friends, but rather to be completely and utterly in love with one another, and that is something that we will never be letting go of.

* * *

To be continued..

I am so glad to be back with another update, and I thank you ever so much for sending in the questions that allow me to do so.  
I have another couple to be answered tomorrow, but please don't hesitate to send in any that you have (by review or by private message, either way is fine).

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	17. kcuona no'2

**kcuona asked:**  
Why did you tease Castle so much, even if you knew you wouldn't cave and follow through?  
What is the most perfect gift you could ever get?  
**  
You responded:  
**(1)  
You have to understand that the relationship that I have with Castle has always been based upon flirtation and a little teasing – of course, it is much more than that, but the very foundations of our friendship and our love were built upon flirtatious word play and lingering glances.  
That isn't something that we are able give up; not now, not ever. Even when we knew that it was wrong, that we were hurting each other, it was too hard to stop the things that had brought us together all those years ago.

In the beginning, all that I knew of Castle was his playboy reputation and the almost weekly tabloid reports of the new blonde hanging off of his arm at three o'clock in the morning as they stumbled out of whatever ridiculously overpriced nightclub Castle had found himself in that night. And as much as I have always respected Castle for his writing, when we first met I didn't believe that as a man he was capable of anything more than easy conversations and joking innuendoes; he was, at least to me, exactly what the journalists made him out to be.  
Flirtation was easy; teasing and harmless and all that I believed we would ever share, a little fun to make the days go by more quickly. We both enjoyed it, perhaps even needed it; Castle had a new toy to keep him entertained – to keep his mind sharp and buzzing with ideas that wouldn't have occurred to him otherwise, and I had a distraction from the grief that clung so tightly to my heart that I could barely stand to live with it.  
It didn't mean anything more than that; not really, not in the beginning.

When we started to feel more for each other; when we truly become partners, became friends, became family – the teasing didn't stop, we both liked it too much to give it up, to leave behind the wordplay and the secret jokes that made the days bearable would have been impossible to even consider. It was who we were; who we will always be, and at the time it only served to bring us closer together.

Even when our friendship transformed itself into love it was too hard to give up the flirtatious teasing that had always been a part of Castle and I; that had always been there to see us through the darkest of times.  
It hurt us both; you might not believe that to be true, you might not believe that it hurt me as well as Castle, but it did. I know how much it hurt Castle to be given hope for something that I wasn't ready to take any further, to offer him a little when he so desperately needed more was wrong, but it seemed better than to not be able to give him anything at all. And it hurt me to know that I was so broken, so damaged by my past and unable to be the person who Castle deserved; to feel so much for him, and yet to be too scared to act on all that I felt. We tortured each other with easy words and hooded glances; the flirtation that we had once revelled in began to stab at our hearts, to eat away at them, to leave them corroded and not quite able to beat without pain.  
But it was better than nothing at all, and we both knew that. It was never about the follow through, it was simply better to cling to what we had than to face a life without hope, no matter how tainted that hope had become. Neither one of us is proud of what we did, but we are accepting of it; we are accepting of the pain that we caused, and the pain that we felt.

(2)  
I think that the most perfect of gifts are the ones that are given to us by the people who we love; the silly little trinkets that we will keep for our entire lives, the handmade Christmas cards and glitter covered picture frames. Gifts aren't about how much money you have to spend, or flouncy wrapping paper with a giant gold bow, but rather the love that is entwined into the very soul of things that we are given. Gifts that come with a story that nobody else will ever understand, a secret message beyond that of 'Happy Birthday' or 'Merry Christmas'; the messages of love and friendship and family, the messages that we will treasure for the rest of our lives.

I read a quote a couple of years ago – by whom I cannot quite remember, but their words have never left me. They said, in a way that seemed to be so perfectly truthfully, that _if a writer falls in love with you, you can never die_. And now I know how very right that person was.  
I find little pieces of ourselves scattered amidst the pages of Castle's work; secretly knitted into the characters of Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook for the entire world to find, but also in the scraps of discarded ideas that seem almost too real to be published, the notebooks that are never more than a step away from Castle's ever whirling imagination.  
That is the best gift that Castle has ever given to me; an eternal love that will outlive us both, a love so pure and beautifully written that it will be a part of this world until the very end of time.

* * *

To be continued..

First off, I just want to apologise for how long it has taken me to update this story. I'm now back at school, so I hardly have any time to write at the moment, so I apologise for any delays in updating my stories and hope that you will stick with me for just a little while longer.

I have one more question to answer for this story (from **racheybabe **- I haven't forgotten, and it is next on my list to be written), but please do keep sending in any questions that you would like to be answered by Beckett. It may take me a little longer to upload the answers than it would have during the summer, but I promise that any question I receive will be answered.

Thank you ever so much for reading,  
Katie


	18. racheybabe

**racheybabe asked:**  
When you get pregnant, what would be your dream way of telling him?  
What is your dream way of being proposed to?  
**  
You responded:  
**(1)  
I am sure that when the day comes I will be too filled with nervousness and giddy excitement to remember my answer to this question; that in all likelihood I will clumsily stumble over the words at the breakfast table in my desperate need to share the news with Castle, or perhaps he will even know before I do – he is, after all, forever on the lookout for a new mystery to unravel, but today I will tell you all my idea of the most perfect way imaginable to tell Castle that we are going to have a baby together.

I would wait until the night had almost won, until the stars shone brightly and the wind whistled through darkness of the city below, until the world itself was still and calm and listening for the hidden conversations that pass between lovers as they lay in bed. I would wait until Castle was almost asleep - his strong arms drawing me close to his chest, his hands drawing languid patterns across my back that slowly turn heavy and warm with the pull of dreams, his steady breath playing with the ends of my hair and making me feel safer than I ever imagined possible. I would wait until the very last second of Castle's conscious thoughts, until the whirling of his imagination had slowed and his mind belonged entirely to me, and then I would lean up to whisper the words that will be sure to change our entire lives against his softly parted lips, kissing them as the smile I know so well pulls at their corners.

We will lay in the stillness of the night, sharing kisses and touches so sweet that they will never be forgotten, words of love and happiness and plans for the future. A single night of secret celebrations before the world is able to interrupt; a night that is ours alone, just Rick, and Kate, and the knowledge that through love and science and perhaps even a little magic we have created a perfect little life that is half of Castle and half of me.

I know, of course, that big announcements and congratulations are a part of having a baby, but I believe that telling the person whom you love more than any other that you are carrying their baby is something that should be kept just for the two of you; a quiet conversation that goes undetected by the world, adorned in love and tear stained kissed of happiness. A moment to simply revel in the most wonderful secret that two people could ever possibly share.

(2)  
I've never really thought about how I would like to be proposed to – I suppose that as a woman it is something that you always hope will happen, but never really think about until you are in the moment. We have the easy role in proposals; the excitement and the joy, the surprise and the wonder, the answer that you know will be the beginning of the rest of your life.

I am sure that Castle will have a plan that is completely over the top and more elaborate than most people could ever imagine, but he wouldn't be Castle if that wasn't the case.  
And perhaps I will be a little scared of the openness with which I am sure he will ask for my hand in marriage, of his unwavering courage when it comes to love, but that doesn't mean I am unsure of what my answer will be. I am so unbelievable in love with him, and I cannot wait for the honour of becoming Mrs. Katherine Castle.

* * *

To be continued..

I am so sorry for the delay in updating this story - I have been so busy with school these past couple of weeks :(

Please let me know what you think?  
Good or bad, any feedback at all is greatly appreciated.

And please do send in any questions that you have for Beckett - either by review or private message, whichever you prefer in fine with me.

Thank you ever so much for reading,  
Katie

Twitter: katieupatree  
Tumblr: ourglassmenagerie


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